i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize