Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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