My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
