When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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