I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize