Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize