Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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