Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
