You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
