My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
