At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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