Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
