Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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