I met the friendliest cop last night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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