Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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