the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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