Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
