Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
