my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
