I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
