i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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