drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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