used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
