his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
