Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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