put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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