Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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