Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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