Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize