Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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