Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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