Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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