So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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