Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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