When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
