So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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