I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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