Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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