I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
