I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
