What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Duck Duck Cougar?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
