I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
