i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
