I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
