i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
