When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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