i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
