I puked a lego.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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