i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
