Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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