that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize