So drunk its hurt
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
