Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
