Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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