guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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