Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The uberlube is also flammable
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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