I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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