im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
