i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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