I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
