If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
