she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
