Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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