In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
