"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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