I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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