I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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