New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
