if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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